After some time of fertility treatment we were blessed.
I became pregnant in May 2017 and our son is now 15 months old and delicious. It turns out though he is allergic to sleep which we as parents are learning to cope with. Who needs 8 hours when 6 hours with 4 intermissions will do?!
Anyhoo, while I was pregnant I noticed my belly grew and my boobicles did not. I did not say anything and kinda played the waiting game until my chest turned into flotation devices but alas the day never came.
After my emergency c-section (hellllllllo SATAN!) the nurses gave my baby formula and I didn't see him until that night. At which point I penguined over to the nursery to see him and feed him with my motherly love and nectar. When I arrived I asked the HNIC(head nurse in charge) to help me but it turned out she was actually an HBIC (head B*tch in charge). She told me she didn’t have time and I should figure it out - it should be natural. Liar liar, scrubs on fire. So I tried and he didn't take and I tried again (because I am scrappy) and he didnt take.
Having been through my first surgery and and being alone in my first hospital stay and having this nurse shit on parade, I was like I am gonna give this boy formula because he needs to eat and I can do this for him and put my needs and wants of trying to breastfeed him aside.
So the very next morning I came in and tried to feed him and he used me as a pacifier.
His frustration became my frustration and so I began to relax and take it all in and find my moment of meditation to be an anchor of calm so that he would feel safe.
I told the nurse who was on morning duty that my milk wasn’t coming in and she leaned over and started to massage my breast. As my first lesbian experience I can report that she was rough and didn't cuddle afterwards. Again, no milk and my bundle of wonder needed to eat, so again we turned to formula. I told myself, tonight I am gonna pump so much milk they’d better undock Noah's Ark cuz it's gonna be a flood of mama's milk tonight.
So determined and excited and sore I returned to the nursery that night and the same HBIC was sitting up on her Iron throne lurking (likely she was working but I was feeling fierce and take no names) so I came in and whipped out my regular booble and tried to get him to feed. Yeah, it turns out he started dating Formula and Boobs were out.
So I turned to the nurse and she said, "you should have fed him his first night and then he would have taken your boob." If looks could kill, this lady would have been on the first greyhound bus to China because I don't condone violence, but you get my drift. Anyways, after that I sought council with lactation specialists and they gave me the whole dark beet, oats, massage, pump pump pump shtick and whatever you can give him is good for him and if it's not enough, subsidize with formula and that's exactly what we did...and by the time he was 3.5 months he was on formula exclusively, guilt free.
One specialist suggested that I was unable produce milk because my body was in shock while another suggested that it was likely due to my PCOS (Polycystic ovary syndrome). In any event, it did not happen the way I wanted to but gratefully our boy is healthy and happy and smart and precocious and everything he is meant to be.
To anyone who is feeling less than in regards to breastfeeding, I would say in the name of motha Midge Maisel, "Tits up!" Try hard where you can, feel no shame, love your body and trust yourself.