Giving birth at an "older" age, brought with it several years of seeing my friends, colleagues, sister in laws... you name it, breastfeed.
I always saw it as an amazing experience,
but never gave it the true time of day, thinking it through when approaching birth.
After giving birth, I can clearly remember the midwife giving me my baby.
Laying her on me to hug and love...and immediately asking me if I planned on breastfeeding my baby.
Automatically, I said yes. I felt like I would be considered a failure if I wouldn't even try. I felt like it wasn't my place to say no, and not even know if I truly wanted to or not.
My baby latched on to me, and I thought I made it! I succeeded in the task.
What I didn't know was the pain that was about to immediately follow.
My breasts were engorged, everything was painful.
I did not give up yet though.
Every couple of hours I went to the on-call lactation consultant.
One told me I was doing great.
The other said I wasn't doing a good enough job.
The third just said, pump.
The fourth said that pumping would make it even worse.
I was lost.
I fought every day from the moment we came home.
I wouldn't give up.
I am an overachiever, very competitive even...and I wouldn't want to “lose”.
I would feed all day, every day.
Just to realize that my baby girl was hungry.
Night would come - and I would fall apart from being tired and confused...
And finally, I gave her a bottle.
I would leave home every day, extremely worried whether she was eating enough or not.
Afraid to drive because she might cry in hunger in the middle of the way.
I found myself stopping on highways, after breastfeeding for hours just before getting in the car...And did not know what to do.
After 4 months of combining breastfeeding and formula,
Literally fighting for every drop,
I decided I need to be happy - and this way, she would be happy.
I decided to choose - ME. For her.
I don't know what I'll choose for my next baby,
I just may want to try again.
But I do know that the most important choice when it comes to breastfeeding - is to be happy.
And if you're not happy, It's not worth it.